Permeating Me

The story running through my head over the last week or two is one that, if i believe it, could ruin my entire life.

It has the power to render me frozen in my steps.

It lurks around every corner like an angry dog in a dark alley, messing with my head to believe that nothing is safe.

It is insidious, allowing me to gain a few steps, then attacking and causing me to drop back three.

It’s the story of I Can’t.

I have been on a journey to discover what my body needs, and more recently, how God views my body and what He wants me to do to it and with it. I began in earnest in January 2010, weighing in and starting a public blog about my journey. I grew discouraged in January 2011 when the scale tried to trick me and tell me how little progress I had made. And, in January 2012 I found myself somewhere in between optimism and pessimism, that in-between place, wondering if I even cared anymore.

Well, I DO care, and have always cared even when my behavior says otherwise. But, strangely with all my belief system telling me that “I can do all things through Christ who gives me His strength,” I found myself saying or almost saying “I just can’t.”

Dangerous words, those. Uttering them creates a shift in my thinking, if unbeknownst to me, that limiting/adjusting my food intake is just too hard. My body seems to be against me, fighting my latest efforts, and I sit here and think that if my body had a mind of its own it would be sitting back with a smirk on its face, saying “I told you so. I told you this was too hard. Your doctor even said it. Bwa ha ha ha.”

The truth is that my body is beautifully and intricately made. It is fighting FOR me, surviving the best it can with the tools I am giving it. So today, for what feels like the millionth time but is really the first of its kind, I surrendered. I said to God, “teach me what my body needs. what is YOUR food plan for me? even if it doesn’t include all the things I love, I will follow it, I will move towards it, I will embrace it. If the foods I love have a negative effect on my body, I will leave that lover, knowing he is simply going to hurt me.”

Through my tears, He came to me quietly. He didn’t say anything, but I knew He was there. And I felt peace. Funny how God’s peace so often comes despite having no firm answers. Makes me wonder if its really answers I am after or if it’s just God’s loving presence right next to me, walking with me, being a companion, offering His empowering hand. Makes me know all over again that seeking Him is the main thing. The rest? Just the details. Details he knows about, cares about and is handling. My job is to seek Him.

The ‘I Can’t’ story can’t stand up to the presence of Jesus. Jesus’s presence isn’t rude, yelling and threatening the ‘I can’t’, it just comes in, permeates the room and anything that is not compatible is crowded out.